When I was younger, I once read a book that recorded diary entries of women in the Victorian era. I’m not sure why this was my book of choice at the time, but this rather simple quote stuck for reasons beyond me. “Today I turn 20 years old. Oh, how very old.” So, every year when my birthday comes around, I change the number accordingly and say this to myself. “Today I turn 29 years old. Oh, how very old.”
My 29th birthday was on the 12th of this month and I’ve come to realize something. As I read my childhood journals I see that in a sense I am still me. Little me. I’m still carrying myself through life. It’s a strange feeling really. One that I can’t really put into words, except perhaps by saying, truly the soul does not age. Though I’ve seen, learned, lived, experienced many things since then, I am still me. The same Tatiana who encouraged herself to be brave during her presentation on hummingbirds to her entire class, because she was terribly shy. My fears and doubts may take on a different persona, but they are still the same. And in her written words, little Tatiana was kind to herself, gentle, loving, as she navigated through life.
Writing has always grounded me. I remember when I started this blog two years ago. I was excited to have a record of how God was going to lead me to my purpose while encouraging others that He could do the same for them. Recently though, I’ve considered that if the desires of my heart truly align to God’s will, then there’s a lot of growth and development I need to do within because this calling is much greater than myself. More than often, though, I feel undeserving. I feel I lack sufficient love for others in order to fulfill this purpose. But page after page throughout my journals my heart yearns for this. Yet, it seems so unrealistic. So unattainable. So beyond me. I’m just little me after all, am I not?
I’ve been meditating on the following Scripture passage in Psalm 138: 2-3,
I bow down toward your holy temple and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word. On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.
To say I bow down is to surrender, to trust, to demonstrate humility, reverence, admiration, worship, fear, faith. And to do so before the holy temple is acknowledgement of who God is. Trusting God is not easy, but the psalmist, David, is giving thanks as he bows down. Why? Because of God’s steadfast love and faithfulness. He had experienced this steadfast love and faithfulness. He knew them to be constant in all circumstances. And this God for whom he gave thanks had exalted His own name. There was no other god but Him. Whom else shall David trust then? He knew that in his seeking of God, God would answer and give him strength. Strength for his soul. Strength to move forward in his trials, for in verse 7 David says, “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life….”
David ends the psalms with a declaration and a request,
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. (vs. 8)
God, I want to trust You, and to do so I must know You, and to know You I must seek You. Help me to seek You, not for the blessings I am to receive, but for the blessings I am to give onto others for Your glory alone. Soli Deo Gloria.
Will you choose to trust Him when you don’t know the how or when?
May your day be graciously adventurous,
Tati ❤ (29 year old version)