It’s been a few months since my last post. It was an intentional halt on my behalf. In fact, many things in my life were halted. I was trying to give my 100% to achieve an important goal in my career. It all came down to one exam, and it’s finally done and over! However, I was shocked to experience the feelings I did following this exam.
Have you ever witnessed what happens to some runners when they get to the end of a marathon? They are a complete emotional mess. Cries of agony. Mixed feelings. Well, this is how I felt after my exam. My initial response was to run out of the exam room and scream “FREEDOM!!” as I ran down the streets. Literally what I did. All of my hard work was finally over.
The question however remains, did I succeed? (6 weeks until the results!)
Days before the test I was experiencing heavy lower back pain from the hours spent bent over books. The stress I was undergoing was also causing a lot of tension on my shoulders and neck which led to headaches. In addition to that, I got carpal tunnel from the prolonged hours on the computer as I prepared a study sheet. So, on my drive home, after sitting through two 4 hour sessions (it’s an 8 hour exam), I begin to feel a slight tingling go down my toes. The moment I finally arrive home and step out of my car I feel a shooting pain go from my back to my toes. Not only had I developed carpal tunnel syndrome, but the lower back pain was the beginning of sciatica. The efforts of my hard work were evident, in an unfortunate manner, but evident nonetheless.
I arrived home like a marathon runner. Now that it was all over I finally processed the burden I had placed on my body and the pain I felt. I couldn’t help but break down and cry.
Full on tears. Hyperventilating.
What is happening?! Shouldn’t I be celebrating right now?!
But you see, these tears were brought on by fear. Fear that after all my hard work, the possibility that I failed the exam was real. I had entrusted it to God. I did my best, God you do the rest. So, the thought of God choosing to allow me to fail destroyed me. It didn’t make sense to me. But it was a possibility.
Yes, even after we strive so that things would work according to our plans, God may choose to have things work out differently. But we must remember, that God’s plans ALWAYS work for good. I can confidently say that whatever the results are, it is according to His good pleasure and perfect will. I can not force God to give me what I want. “Look God, look at the evidence of my work! Look at the pain my body is experiencing! Are you seeing this?!”
What if God’s plans are different than ours? Will we be okay with that or will our faith crumble? Will we be able to say and even if He doesn’t, He is still good?
Whatever the Lord pleases, He does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and in all deeps. Psalms 135:6
May your day be graciously adventurous,
P.S. I plan to begin writing again more consistently! Hope you continue to read along.